Lead In The Pipes

Boy, it’s a good thing you came to the site today, because I’ve got a very important update on Michael Vick. Remember when O.J. was found “not guilty” in criminal court, but then got sued in civil court, and was found “responsible” for the murder? Yes, I know that didn’t make any sense, but it was the only way to achieve true justice, which was apparently O.J. not going to jail, but his Heisman trophy getting smashed by the dad of the guy he killed.

Errrm… didn’t kill. Yes. Also, Pete Rose never actually bet against his own team, because it would be “wrong”. Yes indeedy.

Anyways, Big Number Seven could be in even worse shape — not only did he plead guilty to the criminal charges, but I’ve recently discovered a rock solid civil complaint against him… and check out the damages!

On July 23, 2007, Mr. Riches filed a lawsuit against Michael Vick asking for damages of “$63,000,000,000 billion” backed by gold and silver, to be delivered to the front gate of FCI Williamsburg via Sandy Springs-based UPS (which he erroneously states as the “United States Parcel Service”). Riches alleges that Vick stole two white mixed pit bull dogs from his home in Holiday, Fla., and used them for dogfighting operations in Richmond, Va. The complaint goes on to allege that Vick sold the dogs on eBay (which violates eBay terms of agreement) and “used the proceeds to purchase missiles from the Iran government.” The complaint also alleges that Vick would need those missiles because he pleaded allegiance to Al-Qaeda on February 10, 2007. In the lawsuit Mr. Riches misspelled allegiance and missiles. He also uses the term “pleaded” as opposed to “pledged”. The complaint continues to allege that Michael Vick stole Riches’ identity in-order to sell “Mr. Riches” merchandise (including hats, mugs, and t-shirts) and to open accounts at PetSmart and “doggie warehouse” to purchase dog food for dogfighting operations. Further complaints alleged against Michael Vick state that “Michael Vick used drugs in school zones.” and subjected Mr. Riches to microwave testing.

Holy crap!!! $63,000,000,000 billion!!! Well, that’s what you get for buying Iranian missles with eBay profits.

I know, I know, you’re asking yourself, but Lead in The Pipes blogger guy, is the plaintiff credible?

YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT HE IS.

On March 9, 2006, Mr. Riches filed his most famous and largest lawsuit. The civil rights lawsuit naming George W. Bush et al as defendants. The “et al” list continues for 56 more pages and includes 783 defendants (both living, dead, and non-entities) such as the survivors of the Holocaust, Pizza Hut, Dane Cook, Three Mile Island, Paris Hilton, Dennis Hopper, Mount Rushmore, the Ming Dynasty, Mein Kampf, “Various Buddhist Monks”, Medieval Times, The Da Vinci Code, and the celestial object Pluto.

Thank you Wikipedia, and MacUser.com, for alerting me to this important legal matter. I assume the appropriate parties will be punished (especially Pluto, that smug little bastard).

Anyways, this important revelation, aside from being an absolute financial death sentence for both Michael Vick and, presumably, the likes of Dennis Hopper and Dane Cook, also brings us to today’s keyword — “obscure”. Does a crazy (crazily HILARIOUS) man continually suing everyone in the news for unrelated pop-culture transgressions qualify as “obscure”? 

Let’s ask the people. Interwebs???

“obscure marvel characters” (30) - Survey says…. NERDS!!! Hey, I love the X-Men movies (except for the third one; you can’t &%$@ing kill Cyclops, seriously…), but there must be hundreds of thousands of obscure marvel characters. I mean, Superheroes make up something like 45% of the population in Marvel-land, don’t they? Are you there, nerds?

“obscure” (23) - Wait… is the word “obscure” actually obscure ITSELF??? Whoa… trippy. I think I just swallowed my gum.

“obscure 1980s music” (21) - If you’re of the right age demographic — and I most certainly am not — then I guess Night Ranger’s “When You Close Your Eyes” probably doesn’t count as “obscure”. Still, if you’re in your mid twenties, you need to YouTube both the live performance and the ridiculous, spandex wearing sob-story that is the music video RIGHT NOW. You will not be sorry.

Okay, fine, I’ll do ONE of them for you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWF-vSpeITk

“obscure holidays” (18) - Anyone remember the “Festival of Maximum Occupancy”, from the Stonecutter’s episode of The Simpsons? I still celebrate that every couple of weeks.

“obscure british actors” (16) - I’m starting to think the word “obscure” actually has a role in skewing the results towards nerdier things, like comic books, 80’s music, and now, of all things, british actors. Oooh, I bet “stupid” would be a fun post.

“obscure facts” (14) - Yes, you too can be a interolerable dick at a work party.

“obscure search engine” (12) - Here’s another thing I learned today; the second definition of obscure, as in “something you can’t see through”. In this case, these people want to look for weird, disgusting things (probably for their PSP), but they don’t want Google keeping track of it and alerting the proper authorities. Don’t worry, “Dateline” will eventually trick them into bringing over a six pack and a stack of dirty magazines to an NBC studio with a crudely painted “LITTLE KID’S HOUSE” sign in front of it.

“obscure online dating services” (11) - Same deal. So for those of you using “EHarmony”, thinking “I’m just trying this, I’m not a weirdo like these people”, guess what? The other ten people on the site are thinking the same thing.

“obscure words” (11) - Oh good, the party jerk is back. You say one thing in latin, and I’ll pull your underwear so far over your head you’ll be able to read the label.

“obscure art jokes” (9) - Look, I warned you once already.

“obscure trivia questions” (9) - Sigh… you can have as many of these as you like memorized and ready to go, but if you fit in that locker, that’s where you’re going, and all the knowledge in the world about the history of European pinball isn’t going to change that.

“obscure christmas facts” (7) - I feel like most of these would irritate highly religious people, even though I don’t know what they are. “God” and “trivia” don’t usually mix well in people’s minds.

“obscure german philosiphers” (7) - Which ones AREN’T obscure?

“obscure laws”(7) - You know, the kinds they have in those wacky newspaper stories every couple of months, where you find out that it’s illegal for dogs to wear sneakers or something.

“obscure broadway karaoke music” (5) - That’s it, commence wedgie-ing.

“obscure nautical terms” (5) - I didn’t do a post on “National Talk Like a Pirate Day”, but if I had, I probably would have typed this in myself.

“obscure aviation trivia” (4) - This is a must-type for plane owners who do little sightseeing tours. If there’s a break in the conversation, you start telling them about the history of wing flaps until things perk up again.

Yeah, I’m sure of it now. If you look at the results of a nerdy adjective, you get nerdy subjects. In fact, I don’t think “nerdy” really describes it well enough — it’s not so much that this stuff is overly intellectual as much as it’s… it’s…

“pretentious” (56) - There you go!!! That’s the word I was looking for.

“definition of pretentious” (5) - Wow, somebody just got called “pretentious”, and didn’t even know what it meant. If they were actually being pretentious, that’s pretty funny.

“mensa pretentious” (5) - “Lousy genius club… won’t let me into their stupid secret meeting… I didn’t want to go to their dumb gay robot factory anyways…”

“pretentious definition” (5) - Believe it or not, that’s it. Only three queries besides the word itself; one of them involves a organization of geniuses, and the other two want to know what the word even means. It’s best that these two groups never meet.

That was fun. Let’s all go eat some bacon.

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