Lead In The Pipes

“Hail to the chief, he’s the chief, and he needs hailing.”

Are we sick of the Presidential election yet? Just 13 months to go!!! Now, of course, it would be inappropriate for me to pollute this strictly academic (… ahem) blog with political opinions, so I’ll make an effort to stay impartial here — except to express my concern that a Hillary-Rudy general election might cause my head to physically explode. I can’t handle that much New York-ness — it’d be like the Subway series, only with huge generalizations and health care involved. As a nation, I’m worried we may not survive.

Anyways, polling is for communists, circus animals, and people who take the bus (I kid, I kid… I like circus animals), so obviously I had to come up with a different way to measure the unending horserace of innane, watered-down political chatter that is the 2008 election. This being Lead In The Pipes, that way is, of course — via the interwebs.

Here’s how things stand so far, at least by measure of who has the most queries of their name with the word “for President” in it.

1. Fred Thompson - 439

2. Ron Paul - 245

3. Hillary Clinton - 244

4. Barack Obama - 197

5. John Edwards - 74

7. (tie) Bill Richardson - 67

7. (tie) Dennis Kucinich - 67

8. Mike Huckabee - 65

9. Michael Savage - 60

10. (tie) Duncan Hunter - 46

10. (tie) “Who is running for President” - 46

Okay, full disclaimer : I gave Obama credit for “Baurack Obama”, as well as “illinois senator and running for president”, even though it’s entirely possible Dick Durbin is secretly amassing support behind the scenes. Wait, no, that’s not possible.

What does this tell us? Not a whole lot, except that a radio talk show host who complains about gay people (Michael Savage, at least when I listened to him once) apparently has more interest than Duncan Hunter, who himself is actually tied with “who is running”. I think Hunter might want to hang it up. Hey, I’m just the messenger.

Personally, I’d like some more detail. So, here’s a look at the top three terms, plus two random ones I enjoy, for each of the major candidates I can think of right now. And yes, I’m excluding the queries that are just someone’s name. And to be fair, I’m going in the order that these folks came in above. Look, do you want a lengthy description of my incredibly flawed methodology, or do you want to laugh at dirty words?

Former Senator Fred Thompson

1. “Fred Thompson wife” (333)

2. “Fred Thompson actor” (69)

3. “Fred Thompson abortion” (55)

A. “hand painted photography fred thompson” (26)

B. “is fred thompson a homosexual” (19)

Hmm, he’s an old, rich actor with a trophy wife everyone wants to Google, literally and figuratively. What do YOU think his stance on abortion is? If you guessed “who cares, give me another scotch”, you’re absolutely right! Also, apparently there is a contingency of people who think Thompson might be gay. I can only assume these folks aren’t familiar with the recently published, 2008 edition of “Official Homosexual Stereotypes”. 

Representative Ron Paul

1. “Ron Paul forums” (169)

2. “Ron Paul revolution” (152)

3. “Ron Paul slim jim” (95)

A. “jews hate ron paul” (9)

B. “Ron Paul is illuminati” (7)

Wow, he’s got has “the Republican Howard Dean” written all over him. Forums? Revolution? Okay, I admittedly have no idea where the “slim jim” reference came from, but still, that’s two for three. Also, note that the last two disturbing, random references aren’t even phrased as questions — it’s like some nutball in his basement is trying to tell Google something. “LISTEN TO ME!!! TELL EVERYONE!!! RON PAUL IS IN A SECRET MEN’S CLUB THAT RULES THE WORLD!!! THEY’RE LIKE THE STONECUTTERS!!!”

Senator Hillary Clinton

1. “hillary clinton cleavage” (5247)

2. “hillary clinton nutcracker” (76)

3. “hillary clinton naked” (76)

A. “hillary clinton bathing suit” (34)

B. “hillary clinton in bible prophcy” (14)

Hold on, I’m still temporarily blind. Wait… okay, it’s coming back a little. So… yeah, it’ll be fun to be the first woman president. I swear, if she gets elected, and someone yells “show us your boobs!!!” at her inauguration, THEN I’m moving to Canada. As for the Bible prophecy people (nice spelling, by the way… Jesus would be proud), come on — and would her being in there make you more or less likely to vote for her?

Senator Barack Obama

1. “barack obama abortion” (120)

2. “barack obama amnesty” (56)

3. “barack obama border security” (56)

A.  “do we need a muslim running this country barack obama” (41)

B. “barack obama + music video” (5)

Holy crap, his top three responses are all actually issues, although they aren’t issues I’m particularly interested in. Still, that’s impressive. Less impressive is the fact that people seem to have the need to taunt the man for his Islamic heritage, particularly considering the fact that he’s doesn’t actually have any.

Hey, at least people are looking for his music video. They won’t watch Hillary’s unless she shows some skin.

Former Senator John Edwards

1. “john edwards psychic” (56)

2. “john edwards medium” (42)

3. “john edwards crossing over” (37)

A. “john edwards bad things” (16)

B. “john edwards hair” (11)

See, if you’re Barack Obama, you have the problem of people spelling your name correctly. If you’re John Edwards, you have the exact opposite problem, which manifests itself in you being confused with a TV psychic who claims to speak with dead people. Still, people like your hair. You’ve got that.

Alright, I’m sick of this. I guess we have to be fair — let’s just do Mike Huckabee and get out of here. Wow, I bet no one’s ever said that before.

Former Governor Mike Huckabee

1. “mike huckabee weight loss” (18)

2. “mike huckabee family” (14)

3. “mike huckabee on universal health care” (14)

A. “mike huckabee fat” (9)

B. “mike huckabee and his band” (5)

Hey, did you know Mike Huckabee used to be incredibly fat? Now now, let’s not be childish. He seems like a good guy, and if you can be tremendously fat for a few years, then lose all the weight and make a zillion dollars off of a book about the whole experience, it sounds like you’ve lived the best of both worlds to me. So Mike, I salute you. Plus, you apparently have a band, which is great. Just don’t eat the drums.

So there you have it — a comprehensive look at the candidates, interwebs sty… hey, where the hell is Guliani?

“rudy giuliani drag” (7)

“rudy giuliani dress” (7)

“rudy giuliani as a cross dresser” (4)

There he is!! Ba-dum-dum! Good night everybody!

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