Lead In The Pipes

From Deadspin’s often cringe-inducing “Waxing Off” feature :

“I am so fucking sick of Boston. New England. Whatever. What kind of people name their area after a country who got their asses handed to them (well over 200 years ago) on a platter by some disgruntled tax-payers?

The Red Sux are almost as obnoxious as the Damn Yankees fans, the Celtics’ paid off the refs (is cheating a Boston thing?), and thank God the Boston Bruins are about as relevant to hockey as, well, shit, who gives a damn about a sport that is No. 1 in Canada, aka “The U.S. without guns.”"

Yikes — where to begin?

First of all, let’s be clear on this; this isn’t a comment, this is an actual post. You can tell, because Deadspin comments are often funny.

Next, I know everyone thinks they’re sick of Boston, but what they’re really sick of is the teams they want to win continually failing to win because a team from Boston prevents it. The idea that only Boston has annoying fans — I’ve been over this, but seriously, try to survive a football season in Cleveland, and you’ll understand that The Hub hardly has a monopoly on fan douchebaggery. If New York weren’t so horribly impotent right now (those poor bastards are living with the Knicks, for God’s sake), they’d be showing us all how it’s done (Boston would be eagerly taking notes). 

As for the name of the region, and the details of the Revolutionary War you enjoy referencing, and then immediately glossing over… New England was named “New England” by… people from England, well before the Revolution. It was not named in honor of a country that had just “got their asses handed to them by some disgruntled tax-payers”. It was named BY those disgruntled tax-payers, because that’s where they were from. That’s right — I know it’s horrifying to think about, but the country was founded in large part by people from New England. Don’t tell Sarah Palin this, it’ll just upset her. 

Moving right along… the “Red Sux”? Wow. You can do better than this. “Chicago Cubs??? More like the SHITCAGO FLUBS!!!! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I HAVE A BLOG.”

And I refuse to even respond to the attempt to dismiss the World Champion Boston Celtics by some kind of amorphous “cheating” charge. Really? You really think the Lakers are better? Sasha Vujacic would like a word with you.

Ohhhhhh, man, that was fun. Look, I’ve been pretty clear on this — I love me some good natured Boston-bashing, and I’m FROM BOSTON. But do it right, and remember, if it’s not funny, or at least related to the actual tendencies of the region, there’s no real point, because you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. Ooooh, Boston fans are assholes, wow, big discovery you’ve made. Guess what? People are assholes. If you’re going to break them down by region, and you don’t do it in a well thought-out, hilarious way, then you’re just being bitter because your teams aren’t very good.

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