If “The Simpsons” can have a Halloween special in November, so can I

Tue. November 6, 2007
Categories: Search Results

Remember Halloween? You know, when all those kids came to your doorstep, and you kept looking for the Dateline NBC guy hiding in the bushes? Yeah, that was Halloween. Try to stay with us.

That's him. You so much as glance at that 14 year old Paris Hilton imitator ringing your doorbell, and you'll be on TV, stammering like an idiot before you can blink.

Anyhoo, my wife and I, as well as Mark Johnson, happened to notice that we ended up with a lot of thirteen year old girls dressed like, um, well, prostitutes. Are you getting the Dateline NBC joke now? We were a little disturbed, and we aren’t exactly prudes. Sure, I’m 25 going on 70 (or five, depending on who you ask), but isn’t middle school a little early to be slutting it up like some idiot on “So You Think You Can Dance”?

(I was going to use an “America’s Next Top Model” joke there, but I don’t think that counts as “slutty” in the traditional sense. If you take a bunch of girls on anti-depressants who look like 12 year old boys with better skin, cover them in weird paint and take pictures of them, it’s not slutty. It’s just weird.)

Then, of course, I realized it — we’re talking about the MySpace generation; these poor, impressionable youngsters are probably getting their demon ideas from the interwebs! So what “costumes” are people searching for online?

Funny you should ask. They fall into three categories, illustrated nicely here by a chart I made. I can’t possibly express to you how little I want to do actual work today.

The chart doesn't lie. Well, unless I change the numbers. Then it does. But I didn't -- this time.

Yes, you’re reading it right. Of the top twenty search terms, they could all be categorized in the three categories of “gross”, “not gross”, and “dog related”. Here are the actual terms within each.

Gross(containing “adult”, “sex”, “sexy”, or “playboy”)

“adult halloween costumes” (7573)
“sexy halloween costumes” (5660)
“adult costumes” (4848)
“sexy costumes” (3208)
“adult halloween costume ideads” (1183)
“costume sex” (871)
“sexy halloween costume” (753)
“adult costume ideas” (640)
“homemade adult halloween costume” (635)
“sexy costume” (549)
“sexy adult costumes” (483)
“playboy bunny costume” (414)

 Non-gross

“costumes for teens halloween” (1083)
“teen halloween costumes” (1049)
“making costumes” (827)
“little red riding hood costume” (485)
“fancy dress costumes” (481)
“do it yourself costumes” (451)

 Dog Related

“dog costumes” (1503)
“dog halloween costumes” (1145)

Since I’m a forward looking person (i.e., “we are doomed” indicates we will be doomed SOON), let’s think about where this is logically headed. We dress up our children like prostitutes. We dress up our dogs. Next, we’ll be dressing up our dogs like pros….

Oh my God.

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